The Night I Sacked the Quarterback (NOT SAFE FOR MY FAMILY)

So who's heard of Tucker Max? The guy is a feckin sweet writer. Wicked raunchy, so effing offensive. I think I'm in love. But I'm not a big-tittied blonde, so I don't think he'd be interested. Even so, I've been known to turn a breeder or two in my day.

This is the point at which anyone in my family must stop reading this post.

Seriously, if I'm related to you, this is going to be a monstrous over share, and you may not be able to look me in the eye again.

Stop.

Reading.

Now.

This is a story about my party animal days in Austin. One night, I went out with my cousin Loo and a bunch of her friends. We're partying at some frat-tastic bar on 6th Street--probably the Chugging Monkey or Dizzy Rooster or something ridiculous like that--and we meet up with this group of football players. One of them was named Terrell.

Let me break Terrell down for you: probably 6'4", 220 lbs, super slick Italian, belly just big enough not to be unsightly. I saw him and was like, mine mine mine.

So Terrell and I are going shot for shot--Cuervo, naturally--and as the liquor flows, so do Terrell's hands. All over my body.

"Man, you have such an easy way with girls. I wish I could just start talking to them like that," he slurred.

"It's easy. I don't want them, so I don't care."

"Gay guys always have it so easy. Maybe I should be gay."

And with that, the deal was sealed. At closing time, Terrell indicated that he wanted to keep the party going. None of his friends were down, so he and I hopped in a cab and headed back to my place. As soon as we got in the car, his hand was on my thighs. By the time we arrived at my apartment, he was kissing my neck.

The night progressed exactly as you'd imagine. In the morning, as we're both crawling out of gnarly hangovers, he looks at me--wearing my underwear--and says, "So you know I'm not gay, right?"

"I don't care man."

"So, do you think it would be cool if I called your cousin sometime?"

"Sure. Is it cool if I tell her that you're a bottom?"

And with that, Terrell left and I, for the first time in my life, really understood what it's like to be a dirty, thoughtless guy. What a rush.